


i ____ you

by timelessphan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009!phan, 2010!phan, 2011!phan, 2012!Phan, 2015!phan, Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Humor, Fighting, Fluff, Kinda, M/M, Mentions of Smut, Smut, alternate 2012 ending, basically what could have happened after 2012, beware the angst, i think that's all, kinda x2, there may be some triggers but idk, there may be swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-17
Updated: 2015-11-17
Packaged: 2018-05-02 03:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5232812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timelessphan/pseuds/timelessphan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>four letters can fit into this blank.</p><p>there are a lot of possible words that dan is putting into this blank over this progression of time.</p><p>i  ____  you.</p><p>four letters directed at phil lester.</p><p>but what’s the word?</p>
            </blockquote>





	i ____ you

four letters can fit into this blank.

there are a lot of possible words that dan is putting into this blank over this progression of time.

i ____ you.

four letters directed at phil lester.

but what’s the word?

\----------

‘i like you.’

it’s 2009, and an eighteen year old boy is on the train to go meet his best friend, someone he met through the internet.

now that may seem creepy and he doesn’t know if phil really is phil, if that makes any sense, but dan is on the way and it’s too late to back out now.

he doesn’t know what he was thinking when he got on that train, but he knows that phil is definitely real.

he’s heard him talk, he’s seen him, he’s memorized his smile. he can recite jokes that phil has said and state random facts that have come up offhand in conversations.

he knows that at any moment, phil could change his mind.

dan’s nervous. he’s never been more nervous, but he knows phil wouldn’t abandon him like that.

before he knows it, he’s getting off the train.

before he can comprehend anything about the train station, or about manchester in general, he’s spotted phil.

phil hasn’t seen him yet, but he’s looking around and waiting for dan.

dan feels a rush of adrenaline and begins to run - actually run, for the first time in his life - to capture phil in a hug.

the only thing running through his head in this given moment is ‘philphilphilphilphil’ and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

he is overcome with the desire to kiss phil, but instead he settles for never letting go from this hug until phil makes him.

the moment comes too quickly for dan, when phil whispers that they have to go to the manchester eye and explore and get starbucks and dan almost trips over his own feet to tell phil that he’d love to do all of that.

they end up in the manchester eye less than an hour later, and they’re slowly climbing up into the sky, and dan feels (appropriately) on top of the world.

he feels so full of adrenaline and his mind is rushing a million miles a minute and he doesn’t have full control of his mouth when he says quietly and very, very quickly ‘ithinkilikeyou.’

phil looks up, confused for a moment.

dan feels his face going red. he begins to apologize profusely, but phil just stares at him.

dan goes quiet and looks down, feeling sick to his stomach when phil continues to stare.

it’s been a good two minutes since dan blurted out the words he didn’t mean to say, when phil finally speaks up.

'what?' he asks.

'i didn’t mean to say it, it just came out! i’m really sorry, phil, i didn’t mean to. i don’t want to fuck up our relationship, but here i am, and i’ve already messed it all up! you must -'

'dan!' phil exclaims, cutting him off. 'you’ve been an idiot not to notice.'

'not to notice… what?'

'i like you too, you absolute spork!' phil spreads his arms out as if he were asking for a hug, but then drops them to his sides.

'you like me too?' dan asked, unable to wrap his head around the idea.

'yes, you noob!' phil laughs, and there it is, the smile that dan loves.

dan smiles and looks down, blushing uncontrollably.

'well?' phil asks.

'well?' dan replies.

'what are we now?' phil grabs dan’s hand.

'we’re whatever you want us to be.' dan says.

‘i love you’

it’s 2010, and it’s the first time dan and phil have gone to third base.

to be quite honest, yes, they’d done things as far as second base before, but this was the first time (of many) that dan and phil would have sex.

dan and phil are doing their thing, and just before dan climaxes, a string of words that roughly says: ‘fuck, phil, god, i fucking love you,’ tumbles out of dan’s mouth.

phil doesn’t bring it up until the next morning.

'i never told you,' he says.

dan looks up, slightly alarmed for a moment or two.

'you said i love you, last night. i love you too.' phil continues.

dan breathes out a sigh of relief. 

'did i?' he asks.

'you did.' phil nods.

'well, i meant it. if you haven’t figured that out already.' dan shrugs.

'you’re certainly a charmer,' phil grins at dan.

dan rolls his eyes.

'shut up.'

phil winks at him.

dan sighs and goes back to eating his cereal.

phil sits down in the chair beside him and holds his hand.

dan scoffs and laughs, choking on his cereal when phil lifts his hand and kisses it.

'phil,' he groans. 'i’m trying to eat here.'

'i’m trying to pay attention to my boyfriend,' phil pouts. 'even though he doesn’t want to pay attention to me.'

'for good reason!' dan exclaims.

phil laughs that same laugh that lured dan in, and dan knows that won’t change in many years to come.

a few days later, phil is doing the dishes and dan has his arms wrapped around phil’s waist. dan’s head is resting against phil’s back, and phil’s trying to keep as still as possible and keep his movements to a minimum.

'i never thanked you.' dan tells him.

'for what?' phil asks.

dan doesn’t reply.

phil gets the message though. he gets what dan is trying to say.

he’s trying to thank phil for everything.

he’s saying ‘i love you’ without actually saying those words.

he’s saying ‘thank you for everything’ without thanking phil.

he ceases putting the dishes away to turn around and hug dan tightly.

dan clutches him like he did the first time they met, with the intent of never letting go.

phil kisses his shoulder softly, laying his head across it afterwards.

dan smiles into the crook of phil’s neck, wishing that he could freeze this moment and never continue with life.

all he wants is this.

a hug  
a phil  
a comfortable silence that neither of them feel the need to break

dan loves moments like these because they’re so small, they don’t need to be remembered, unlike someone’s wedding.

but they are remembered, because they’re unimportant moments that just feel so right.

phil has to let him go at one point, though, because he needs to get the dishes done.

dan returns to his original position, hanging onto phil like a sloth.

it was a perfect day, and no matter how cliché it is, dan would never change anything about that moment.

‘i want you’

it’s 2011, and dan’s waiting for phil like a desperate housewife.

it’s one of those nights where dan and phil aren’t together, and phil’s at this formal event where he has to wear a suit and tie.

hell, every woman, man, and non-gendered human of proper age is turned on by phil lester in a suit, but dan’s the lucky one who gets to pursue this want for phil in a suit.

dan’s absolutely bursting with anticipation when phil walks through the door.

dan almost knocks him off his feet, lunging at him and connecting their mouths hungrily.

phil just rolls with it.

they’re kissing passionately.

phil groans as dan kisses his jawline, leaving a small trail of hickeys here and there.

‘dan, what…?’ phil sighs happily, melting into dan’s touch.

‘i can’t believe you left the house in that,’ dan whispered. 

‘you thought i would leave without giving you anything later?’ phil reciprocates.

‘i can’t believe you left me all hot and bothered,’ dan hisses in phil’s ear.

‘i had to get off all on my own,’ he continues. ‘i wanted you so badly, but you weren’t here.’

‘dan,’ phil says breathlessly.

‘you love it when i take control, don’t you?’ dan pecks phil’s lips innocently.

‘you love it when i say these dirty, dirty things to you. about you. don’t you, phil?’

‘dan,’ phil repeated, sounding so gone.

‘you like to see me on top. you like to see me ride you. you like it when i talk to you like this. i have such a dirty mouth, don’t i, phil?’

‘dan, please…’ phil whispers as dan pressed him against the wall.

‘you’re so gone for this. i should let you take me against the wall. i know how much it turns you on…’ dan taunts. 

phil moans loudly.

‘now, now, philly! not so loud, the neighbors will hear.’ dan bites his lip.

‘would you like that, phil? what i said earlier? would you like to take me against the wall?’ dan says after a moment of silence.

‘oh god, yes,’ phil moans.

dan turns them around.

‘go ahead, philly,’ he begs. ‘go rough on me, you know i like it. you know i love it. deny me, hurt me, make it so i can’t walk for days. i know you love to see me when i limp, i know you love to see what you can do.’

phil growls, already so turned on by dan’s begging.

he holds dan’s hands above his head and kisses him roughly, only pulling away when dan whines.

‘no whining,’ he whispers against dan’s neck, biting it.

‘phil, not the neck, please not the neck,’ dan protests weakly.

‘too late,’ phil replies.

he runs his thumb over the red/purple bruise forming on dan’s neck. 

‘phil, please,’ dan whispers.

‘was it true?’ phil asks.

‘was what true?’ dan had forgotten.

‘you got off on me. you got off while i was gone, and didn’t even think to tell me that i was turning you on before i left.’

‘no,’ dan replies. ‘it wasn’t true. at least, not all the way. i got myself ready for you phil, imagined it was you. but that’s all.’

‘good boy,’ phil praises.

dan groans and pushes himself against phil.

‘take off this suit and i’ll give you a show,’ he winks.

‘i miss you’

it’s 2015, and phil’s gone. he’s left.

dan knew it wouldn’t work out, at least not for certain.

but he couldn’t help but feel as if he were wrong.

phil had found a new boyfriend, dan knew. 

he still watched phil’s youtube videos.

phil’s new boyfriend, named ian morris, was a very nice guy, but dan couldn’t help but feel jealous that phil wasn’t his anymore.

but he couldn’t wallow in self-pity forever.

he wasn’t a cliché teenager anymore who thought phil would be there forever.

it had been three years since that fateful fight. 

it was a fight where dan had gotten jealous, so, so jealous, and phil was upset.

dan had basically attacked phil, fighting him and crying angry tears. 

he had shouted words he hadn’t meant, he had thrown things he didn’t mean to, and phil ran out.

this time, dan knew phil didn’t want him to chase him.

he wasn’t sure if phil ever wanted him to chase after him in the first place.

2012 was a bad year for them.

dan missed phil like his life depended on it, but phil would never miss dan.

he was clingy, he was needy, he needed phil lester because phil never pushed him away.

sometimes, dan wonders what it would be like if he and phil had gotten through this.

he knows that he’s wallowing in self-pity.

he knows that phil and his boyfriend are happy without him.

it’s a shame, and he knows it. 

maybe he should get a boyfriend too.

dan dreads going to Vidcon this year. 

he only dreads it because phil is going to be there, and as much as he wants to see him, he knows he can’t.

phil could care less.

or… maybe he wouldn’t care less.

it’s a small glimpse of hope on the horizon, but dan never considered that phil may miss him too.

surely he missed him at one point, dan convinces himself.

of course he did!

just because he’s moved on after three years doesn’t mean that he didn’t miss dan!

good for phil, he’s moved on!

he and dan will still be friends, after all.

it’s not like phil refuses to talk to dan, because he has tried, but dan pushed him away.

oh!

OH!

phil still wanted to be friends after the fight, but dan pushed him away!

what a revelation.

dan grins and tells himself that he’s brilliant.

Vidcon doesn’t seem so bad after all.

the smile continues throughout the entire day, as he packs his bags. it’s too late to sign up for a panel (or at least, one dan wants to participate in) but he doesn’t see a reason not to go to Vidcon.

after a few hours of debate, dan texts phil: ‘are you going to Vidcon this year?’

phil replies: ‘who is this?’

dan’s smile drops.

‘i hate you’

dan feels like screaming.

he’s at their usual Vidcon party, in a big house in LA.

dan has been leaning against the wall all night, really not in the mood for partying.

dan’s never been a party person.

times like these, he wishes phil was here to ‘limit’ his own fun to make sure dan’s okay.

dan informs himself sternly that he’s self-loathing again.

‘hey,’ a familiar voice says from next to him.

dan swirls his drink a few times with a practiced hand before responding.

‘hi,’ he responds.

‘how’ve you been, dan? it’s been a while, hasn’t it?’

dan looks up.

‘i’ve been fine, phil. lonely, but fine. how’s your boyfriend and your dog? i like dogs.’

phil laughs. ‘i know you like dogs. but yeah, Huey and Roland have been good.’

‘wait, which one is the dog?’ dan teases.

phil rolls his eyes playfully. ‘i hate you.’

‘nah, you don’t,’ dan says, smiling.

‘you’re right. i don’t hate you, at least, not anymore.’ phil tells him.

dan frowns. 

‘because i get it,’ phil continues. ‘you loved me and it was too much for you to handle.’

‘i could handle it,’ dan retorts.

phil looks disbelievingly at him.

‘shut up,’ dan mumbles.

phil chuckles.

‘you’re cute,’ he announces.

‘you have a boyfriend,’ dan replies.

‘i didn’t mean it like that,’ phil tells him. ‘i meant that you’re cute.’

‘okay, that’s pretty much the same thing, but okay.’

‘what about you?’ phil asks.

‘what about me?’ dan furrows his brow.

‘don’t you have a boyfriend?’ phil asks. ‘or a dog?’

‘yeah,’ dan lies. ‘Halo the Husky and Zach the Human.’

phil smiles slowly.

‘you’re lying,’ he accuses.

‘am not!’ dan protests.

phil raises his eyebrows.

‘maybe a little bit!’ dan relents.

phil laughs - like a full on, head thrown back laugh - and has to hold himself up by holding onto dan’s shoulder.

‘i hate you,’ dan mumbles, pouting.

‘you do not,’ phil replies.

‘i do. you’re the worst person in the world.’

phil sticks his tongue out at dan.

‘i hate you. i really do.’

‘you don’t!’

‘i do! you know why?’

phil pauses. ‘why?’ he asks.

‘because you left. you weren’t supposed to leave.’

‘god, dan, that was three years ago!’ phil exclaims. ‘you’re not still hung up on that, are you?’

‘no,’ dan says sarcastically. ‘i’m not.’

‘dan, you need to move on!’ phil tells him. ‘you can’t stay stuck on me forever.’

‘it’s not my fault you set the bar so high that i can’t find a guy as good as you,’ dan argues.

‘a guy as good as me?’ phil asks.

‘i didn’t mean that, you’re not that great.’

‘a guy as good as me?’ phil presses.

‘shove off, phil!’ dan exclaims, hugging himself tightly, feeling slightly sick. ‘i said something i didn’t mean. i always say things i don’t mean!’

‘no,’ phil shakes his head, his eyes trained on dan’s face.

he takes a deep breath like he’s about to drop a bomb on dan’s reality.

‘you mean everything you say, but you don’t mean to say them. you want these things to stay secret forever, but in the midst of an argument, they come out. you always mean them, just not in the instance.’

dan stares at him. ‘you-’

phil interrupts him.

‘i forgave you a long time ago, dan.’

dan’s lip shakes as if he is about to cry.

‘i think it’s time you forgave yourself.’

he frowns.

‘it’s not my fault that you’re angry. you’re not mad at me.’

dan wants to say something, but he can’t bring himself to.

‘you’re not angry because you pushed me away.’

dan takes a deep breath, feeling as if there is an anvil on his chest.

‘you’re not angry at all. you just want to be. you want it to be your fault.’

‘i-’ dan begins.

‘no.’ phil says. ‘let me finish. you pushed me away because you wanted to. you pushed me away because you were selfish.’

‘you-you think that i pushed you away because i wanted to?’ dan accuses.

‘that’s not what i’m saying.’ phil replies calmly.

‘you think i wanted you to leave?’ dan’s voice raises.

‘dan, you need to listen-’

‘no, phil! you need to listen. you had your turn. now it’s my turn to talk. i pushed you away because if you were around, i’d say more things and you’d leave on your own accord. i pushed you away to protect you from the awful things i am capable of saying. i’m sorry that i pushed you away, i’m sorry that we’re through, but i’m not sorry for protecting you from bad things. so shove off, phil, because i think i can say worse things than i could in 2012.’

phil laughs and completely ruins the mood.

‘you’re funny.’ he informs dan. ‘like, really funny.’

dan closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

‘you’re also very adorable when you’re angry. it’s a shame i have a boyfriend, because i’d take you back in a heartbeat.’

‘if you want me, dump him.’ dan says, not seeing the problem.

‘no,’ phil breathes.

he leaves.


End file.
